Why You Should (Sometimes) Hang Out with People You Can’t Stand
I know, I know….hold up! Before you write me off like….”what kind of therapist is this? SHE BUGGIN!” LOL Hear me out………..
Story Time
Let me tell you about the time I white-knuckled my way through a family situation with some people I had absolutely zero desire to see.
You know…the family member that thrives off of drama. Check.
The one who needs to be in control of everything…and everyone. Check.
Passive-aggressive comments? Check.
Performative BS. Check.
Sudden emotional outbursts? Double check.
The kind of energy that makes you want to fake a phone call and moonwalk right up outta there? Yep.
But instead of avoiding them — like I usually would — I stayed.
I stayed curious.
I watched my body tense.
I noticed the thoughts flooding in like:
“Here she goes again.”
“They got some damn nerve.”
I didn’t clap back. I didn’t people-please. I didn’t fake nice.
I just... stayed. Present. Grounded. Observing.
And something clicked.
That moment wasn’t about the family.
It was about me — and what I learned about my emotional patterns when I chose not to avoid or react.
If this already sounds like some ole “spiritual growth challenge” you ain’t interested in, stay with me.
Feeling emotionally reactive?
Let’s figure out why and do something about it.
The Problem
We all have people in our lives who make us cringe when their name lights up our phone. Some we’re biologically tied to. Others we can technically block... but don’t.
But here’s the thing:
It’s not always about the other person.
Sometimes the biggest breakthrough comes from watching how you respond to the discomfort they bring.
Bowen Theory — one of the foundations of how I work with clients at Point and Pivot — says our anxiety in relationships isn’t just about the relationship. It’s about our reactivity within the system.
So when someone rubs you the wrong way, your internal alarms go off:
“Who they think they talking to?”
“Why do I shut down every time they enter the room?”
“Why do I always feel like a 10-year-old version of myself around them?”
Spoiler: that last one? Oooooo….weeeeee!
Avoiding difficult people altogether feels like the obvious solution.
But avoiding discomfort doesn’t grow emotional muscles. It just delays the inevitable... until the next birthday, reunion, funeral, or whatever.
Let’s Break It Down Further
Reactivity vs. Response
Bowen Theory teaches us that when we’re emotionally reactive, we either:
Distance
Over-function (hello, fixing and appeasing)
Under-function (suddenly mute)
Or emotionally “fuse” and lose sight of our own beliefs
Reacting isn’t bad — it’s human. But when reactivity runs the show, we miss the opportunity to reflect, choose, and evolve.
Why do certain people get under your skin?
Simple: they activate something old.
Unmet childhood needs
A memory of emotional neglect
That one time you didn’t speak up in 6th grade and still feel shame about it (Sidenote: Mrs. Bradfield’s class was lit but 6th grade was HELL! - 🥴SMH)
When someone makes you want to fight, flee, fawn, or freeze... it’s not about them. It’s about the role they unknowingly play in your emotional blueprint.
“But I’m not trying to suffer for the sake of suffering!”
Good! That’s not what I’m suggesting.
This isn’t about tolerating toxic behavior or enduring mistreatment.
It’s about using safe, low-stakes interactions as emotional fieldwork.
It’s about increasing your ability to hold onto your sense of self — even when your old patterns say “I’ll knock all this shit off the table” or….”I’m outta here!”
Tired of shutting down or blowing up? You’re not alone.
So What Now?
How do you actually practice this?
You start by engaging in purposeful contact — a small, intentional interaction with someone who activates your emotional system.
Think: lunch with a critical family member.
Engaging in a group text you would usually ignore.
Calmly disagreeing with someone instead of faking neutrality or blacking out when someone has a different opinion or perspective than you.
Here’s what you do in those moments:
1. Prepare with clarity
Ask: “What’s the version of me I want to be in this interaction?”
Set the tone before you enter the space.
2. Observe your internal response
Is your jaw tightening? Voice speeding up? Heart racing?
Cool. That’s your data.
3. Pause and pivot
Instead of reacting immediately, pause. Take a breath. Ask, “What do I want to model right now?”
4. Reflect, don’t ruminate
Afterward, reflect.
What felt hard?
What felt new?
What would you do differently next time?
That’s the real work. Not perfection — but presence.
Now Imagine This…
You’re in the same room with the same difficult person. (Cause they probably ain’t changing….🤷🏽♀️)
But this time, you’re different.
You feel anchored. Calm. Clear.
They say that thing again... (oooo they annoying as f@#$) but your nervous system doesn’t go into code red.
You breathe. You choose a response that reflects your growth.
You don’t crash out, overexplain, over-function, or shut down.
You just hold your center.
Imagine not walking away from hard conversations feeling depleted.
Imagine finally feeling emotionally grown — not emotionally hijacked.
That’s what differentiation looks like.
That’s what healing feels like.
You get to be in contact with complexity — and not crumble.
Let’s Do This!
So no, I’m not asking you to invite chaos to brunch every weekend.
But I am saying:
Sometimes the people who trigger you the most are your greatest emotional teachers.
With boundaries, safety, and support — you can use those interactions to observe your patterns, rewire your responses, and finally step into the version of yourself who doesn’t flinch when the tension rises.
Ready to do this work in a space that actually gets the complexity of your relationships and your emotions?
Ready to break generational patterns and regulate your emotional reactivity?
And if all else fails…
Just remember you’re collecting research on your emotional reactivity.
It’s not a failure. It’s fieldwork.
So go ahead and occasionally interact with that one person who grinds your Got Damn Gears!
Not because you like suffering — but because you’re choosing to grow.
And, hey….with an open mind and some one-on-one convo…they might not be that bad. 😉
If you need help unlearning the patterns that keep pulling you back into old emotional roles… you know where to find me……
Probably avoiding someone I can’t stand, too!
Hey, 🤦🏽♂️I’m a therapist, but I’m human….and I’m in this thang wit cha!
Until next time….
Chrys, OUT! ✌🏽😘
