Avoidance or Clarity? How to Tell When Distance from Family Is a Healthy Choice
Story Time
Imagine this:
You’re sitting at a family gathering.
Everything’s fine—until it’s not.
A comment is made.
A button is pushed.
You smile politely, maybe say nothing, maybe vent to a friend later.
Or maybe you start skipping these gatherings altogether.
You tell yourself, “It’s better for my mental health,” but deep down you’re not sure if you’re drawing a boundary… or avoiding something that still holds power over you.
I hear over and over in my sessions, “I’ve cut them off. I had to.” And listen, I get it, cause I was the cut off queen! LOL
But inevitably at some point, I’ll hear something along the lines of, “Just thinking about them pisses me off!”
The truth?
The distance doesn’t solved everything. It helps for a while, but the discomfort remains.
If you’ve ever found yourself wrestling with whether to lean in or pull away from family relationships, you’re not alone. This post is for you.
Ready to talk to someone about your family dynamics and how to set healthier boundaries without losing yourself?
Click button below to book a free consultation.
The Problem
In therapy, I see two common patterns when people are navigating hard family relationships:
Over-engagement that leads to burnout – doing “the most” or staying connected out of guilt, obligation, or fear of being “the problem,” while repeatedly getting emotionally entangled or hurt.
Complete cut-off – going no contact and feeling temporary relief, only to later feel unresolved emotion, guilt, or confusion.
Sometimes distance is necessary.
Sometimes, it’s the healthiest response.
But here’s the real question:
Are you stepping back to restore clarity and build resilience?
Or are you disconnecting to avoid discomfort and emotional growth?
Yeah…I said it! LOL
Avoidance and boundary-setting are not the same.
Avoidance is reactive.
Boundaries are intentional.
Avoidance keeps us fused with the emotional intensity we’re trying to escape.
Boundaries, when done well (emphasis on DONE WELL!), are about creating space to respond, not react.
But let’s be real—it’s not always easy to tell the difference.
Let’s Break It Down Further
When Engagement Builds Resilience
Contrary to what social media tells us 🙄, staying connected with difficult people can be useful—when it’s safe to do so—because it provides real-time feedback and opportunities to grow your:
Emotional regulation
Self-awareness
Differentiation of self (More on that in a second)
Every hard conversation, every triggering moment, is a chance to build muscle—emotional muscle. And just like going to the gym, it’s uncomfortable, sometimes even painful, but it builds strength over time.
What is Differentiation?
Differentiation of self is a concept from Bowen Family Systems Theory. Simply put, it means:
Your ability to stay grounded in your identity and values while staying connected to others—even when emotions run high.
It’s the balance between thinking and feeling, closeness and individuality.
When you’re differentiated:
You don’t need to cut off to feel in control.
You can disagree without becoming defensive.
You can stay connected without losing yourself.
But this takes time, practice, and strategy. It’s not instinctual for most of us—especially if we were raised in families where roles were rigid or emotions were avoided, over-expressed, or weaponized.
When Distance Is Necessary
There are times when engagement isn't possible. When communication is abusive, when your safety—emotional, psychological, or physical—is at risk, low contact or no contact can be the only viable choice.
Signs that distance may be necessary:
Repeated physical, emotional, verbal or ANY type of abuse
Chronic boundary violations with no accountability
Cycles of re-engagement that always lead to harm
You’ve done the emotional work and clarity-building, and remaining engaged continues to destabilize you
Choosing low contact or no contact doesn't mean you’re weak or giving up.
It means you’ve evaluated the cost of engagement and chosen a different path to growth.
But even in distance, the goal isn’t avoidance.
The goal is clarity, growth, and stability—internally and externally.
Need support deciding if distance is a healthy boundary or a way to avoid discomfort? Let’s chat.
Click below.
So What Now?
Let’s walk through how to begin making a clear, intentional decision.
Step 1: Observe Without Reacting
Notice what emotions come up when you think about engaging with the person in question. Do you feel angry, ashamed, resentful, fearful, helpless?
These emotions are data—not directives. They tell you where your work might be.
Step 2: Ask Yourself Hard Questions
Try reflecting on the following:
Am I avoiding because I’m overwhelmed—or because I’ve truly accepted the relationship isn’t workable?
What happens to me emotionally after we interact?
Do I have the skills to engage without losing myself or “losing my shit”?
What would growth look like if I stayed engaged?
What would growth look like if I took space?
Step 3: Know the Difference Between a Boundary and a Wall
A boundary says, “I’m still here, but with limits.”
A wall says, “You can’t reach me, and I’m not dealing with this.”
Boundaries help you stay present and centered.
Walls help you avoid discomfort—temporarily.
Now Imagine This…
Imagine being in a difficult conversation with a family member and not feeling reactive.
You feel grounded—not because the other person changed, but because you did.
You know where you end and they begin.
You know when to stay and when to pause the conversation.
You don’t walk away carrying their emotions as if they’re your own.
You know how to self-regulate without shutting down or blacking out.
You know how to make space for others without abandoning yourself.
This is what building emotional resilience looks like.
This is what real boundary work looks like.
And this is possible—not by avoiding family conflict, but by learning to face it with clarity, strategy, and support.
Let’s Do This!
There’s no one-size-fits-all answer to family conflict.
Some relationships can grow.
Others can't.
What matters most is that your decision—whether to stay engaged, go low contact, or no contact—is made from a place of clarity, not reactivity.
And if you’re not sure how to figure that out?
That’s exactly what therapy is for.
Click here to Book a free consultation today to explore how family dynamics are impacting your emotional well-being and what growth can look like for you.
Until next time,
Chrys….OUT! ✌🏽😘
